Breathe Again
by D-chan
Summary: Goku x Sanzo :: postseries, angst, language, shounen ai, descriptive violence, character death :: sidefic to Fade to Black :: Goku's side of the story, in which he sees what Sanzo cannot and desperately embraces the offered world of illusion.


**:: Breathe Again ::**

_Gensomaden__ Saiyuki_

Disclaimer: I don't own Gensomaden Saiyuki, which rightfully belongs to Minekura Kazuya.

Rating: R

Pairings: Goku/Sanzo

Warnings: post-series, angst, language, shounen ai, descriptive violence, character death, spoilers for _Fade to Black_

Beta-read by: Iapetus

Notes: Rating is due to the violence in the opening. Otherwise, not much to be afraid of here.

This is a sidefic to _Fade to Black_, and because some things are only vaguely mentioned here that went into detail in that story, you may want to read FtB first. This is merely a story so the reader can see what Sanzo could not in the original, and FtB is what Sanzo can see that Goku can't.

Constructive criticism and feedback is appreciated.

* * *

"_Kanjizai__ osatsu gyoujin hannya ha shoken go on kai ku do issai..._"

The soft muttering barely reached his ears, but he recognized the chant. Cursing to himself, Goku moved quickly, slamming the end of his staff into the nearest demon's gut. His opponent gagged and doubled over, allowing Goku time enough to whirl around and catch the next demon. He screamed as he swung _Nyoibou_, the side of his weapon crashing into the demon's head and sending him flying back.

They were by no means weak, unfortunately. This wasn't a fight that was going to be solved within minutes. Unless, of course, they defeated the awakened one.

Gyuumaoh had been successfully resurrected.

"_Soku__ setsu shu watsu gya tei gya tei ha ra gya tei ha ra so gya tei..._"

Upon discovering the demon king they were supposed to _stop_ the resurrection of was as alive as the day he'd been sealed, Sanzo had been furious. Their entire party knew there was nothing they could do about it, but that didn't stop a single one of them from blaming themselves for taking too long to get there.

Gojyo and Hakkai had fallen back by choice. Sanzo and Goku were the two to go ahead; they needed Sanzo's use of the Maten scripture and Goku's strength in this area. While the other two would do their best to halt any advancement of other palace members, the priest and his charge were going to take down Gyuumaoh by any means necessary.

Of course, Gyuumaoh had more authority than Gyokumen Koushu, and thus could order his subjects as she couldn't. His best fighters were to take the "annoying pests" down.

From the looks of it, it didn't seem Gyuumaoh had much faith in his fighters any longer. Sanzo had shot and killed a good amount of them; Goku had beaten the rest to death, or stabbed them. Whatever he could do to stay alive, whatever he could do to protect Sanzo, he did it. He knew the sight of all the crushed skulls and torn limbs were going to make him sick later. But that could wait until after the battle.

Gyuumaoh was rising and Sanzo had yet to finish the chant.

"_Boddhi__ so wa ka hannya shingyo on ma ni—_"

With a vicious cry, Goku abandoned his staff and gave the nearest opponent a solid punch to the face. He heard the jaw shatter, even felt it under his knuckles, but had no time to think about it. Gyuumaoh's shadow was falling over them. Spinning, Goku hurried back to Sanzo's side, raising his foot in a high kick and catching an opponent in the face as they tried to tackle Sanzo, fingers outstretched for the scriptures.

Sanzo was more than capable of taking care of himself, but Goku was well aware that it would be best if the chant went on without interruptions. That was why, despite how they disliked the idea of it, Goku was his temporary body guard.

With a roar that shook the palace, Gyuumaoh drew his sword. It was enormous, the blade wide and thick, extending nearly to the other end of the room. Goku had no doubt that it would kill him and Sanzo with one swing should they so much as take the wrong step.

"—_hatsu__ mei un!_"

A demon staggered to his feet, stumbling after Sanzo as though in a desperate last attempt to take him down. Growling, Goku granted that one with a low swing to the stomach, then a swift blow to the side of his face. The demon went flying back into a pillar, blood spilling from his nose and mouth upon impact.

Gyuumaoh raised his arm.

"_Makai__ Tenjou!_"

The final words to the chant erupted in a scream. Knowing better than to get in the way of the attack, Goku dodged the scriptures, throwing himself to the floor and pressing himself down flat.

Gyuumaoh was a massive demon, taking up a good portion of the room. But Sanzo's Maten scriptures wasn't anything trifling, either. They were holding fast, making Gyuumaoh bellow with rage as he struggled, but the paper seemed to be tearing due to his bulging muscles and power.

Realizing that the monk could only do so much, Goku quickly got back to his feet. Sanzo's bullets probably weren't enough to penetrate the demon king's thick helmet, and anything else would definitely _not_ kill him.

Goku put all his power into the leap, sucking in a deep breath of air as he took flight. Once he was at eye level with the demon, he exhaled in a furious scream, driving his staff down with all his power.

If Sanzo's scriptures weren't trifling, Goku's physical power surpassed astonishing. His weapon miraculously crunched through the metal of Gyuumaoh's helmet, and a split second afterward Goku heard the familiar crushing of skull. Blood spurted from the wound.

"Longer, _Nyoibou_!" he yelled, putting all his thought behind that action. It completed what his blow could not; driving entirely through the demon king's brain, all that was left was Gyuumaoh's shocked expression. Blood dribbled into his eyes.

Goku let go of the staff, falling as Gyuumaoh did. The resulting crash was thunderous. It was also disastrous; doing what the rest of their chaotic fighting hadn't quite been able to do. Houtou Castle began to collapse in on itself.

His first wild thought was that he couldn't see Sanzo. Panicking, Goku whirled around, momentarily too frightened to see anything but the bits of falling debris. Then he glanced up just as the ceiling high above them cracked from one wall to the other. Large rocks started to fall.

His gaze found Sanzo as soon as he looked down. Goku berated himself for missing the man; he was dusty and grimy, his expression showing mute surprise as he realized their situation as well.

Without a word to each other they began to run.

Goku caught up with Sanzo quickly, but the chunks of ceiling and torn limbs littering the floor made them stumble. He heard a loud thud and a pained gasp; when he turned he felt his heart wrench to see that Sanzo had tripped. There was a brief silence, an ear-splitting crack, and Goku knew they weren't going to make it.

Or rather, that _he_ wasn't going to make it. Determination hardened his eyes as he darted forward without thinking, tackling Sanzo to the ground before the man could get up. Sanzo shouted something, most likely a curse at him, but Goku drove a knee into the man's gut. He saw Sanzo's eyes widen briefly, and then clench shut as his body realized the air had been forced out of him.

_"If I'm gonna die, I won't die with regrets."_

That was the only thought on Goku's mind when the ceiling finally crashed into him. Even his strong body couldn't stay sturdy beneath it, and a horrible scream wrenched itself from Goku's throat. The weight kept piling up, adding on to itself, on to the agonizing pain in his back. He heard bones crunch again, but the sharp agony stabbing through his limbs told him that this time it was his own being crushed.

The weight forced him to be pressed against Sanzo. Goku dimly hoped he wasn't smothering the man, but that wavering part of him realized that Sanzo was barely breathing. He was unconscious.

_Good._

Then he felt the worst pain of all; the sensation of his ribs being shoved in toward his back. Goku made a strangled noise, suddenly gasping for air, then choking on the blood spilling from his throat. The last thing he felt was something crashing into the base of his skull.

---

The pull of his Mother was strong. She was whispering to him, murmuring, telling him that he had lived his mortal life to the fullest. Now it was time for him to return to Her, to become the baby in Her womb once again.

Goku didn't want to go. As hard as it was, he resisted Her pull. He had nothing to say to Her, refused to answer Her pleas to return to Her. He refused. She had created him, given birth to him-- he remembered now. Everything from his birth on Mount Kaka, to meeting his sun in his first life, to becoming imprisoned, to being freed again-- everything from his birth to his death he recalled.

It was especially because of those memories that he didn't want to go back. How could he? His place was _on_ the earth, not within it. More than anything he wanted to be alive, to _breathe_.

More than anything, he wanted to be with Sanzo.

Goku had watched quietly as Hakkai and Gojyo finally entered the room after the collapse. They were injured, but seemed well enough to put hours into removing the rubble covering his and Sanzo's bodies. He recalled the painful twist of emotion on both men's faces when they had discovered the condition of his body. Gojyo had actually been sick. Not exactly because of the state of his body, Goku had realized. Because someone so close to him had died so viciously. Witnessing the scene had made Goku feel closer to Gojyo than he had ever felt during life-- and that in turn had made him sad.

Sanzo, however, had been all right. In Goku's eyes, that had made it all worth it. The man had sported his injuries from the fights before the castle's collapse, and the only new injuries after that had been the concussion, broken arm, and both legs suffering comminuted fractures. All of that could be healed, given time. Sanzo wouldn't be crippled for life, but he wouldn't be moving around anytime soon, either.

Goku was so relieved he could have cried. For some reason it was impossible; in this strange new state -- he decided to call it his spirit, even though that didn't feel entirely correct -- he was incapable of crying, or bleeding, or even laughing. He could move, he was completely mobile, but he was also mute and devoid of anything actually physical.

He hated this new state. Huddling into himself, Goku "sat" on the bed Sanzo now rested on. The entire left side of the man's face was bruised and swollen. There was a shallow cut above his eyebrow; Goku "touched" it, but Sanzo didn't stir. He hadn't moved in days.

If he had been capable of it, Goku would have screamed.

He hated himself right then. He knew Sanzo would never forgive him for getting what he wanted, for dying without regrets. It absolutely infuriated him that he had so much he regretted in the aftermath. It made Goku want to hurt something-- and he couldn't.

He continued to stubbornly resist his Mother's voice. Her voice wasn't important. Only Sanzo was important. There was so much Goku had intended to do after the final battle. After his confession the night before it, he had been ambitious. He'd had plans for what they were going to do once they got out alive. Eating some fried noodles had been at the top of the list, but the most important thing was that after they journey he knew he and Sanzo could finally, _finally_ finish their emotional consummation. It had started so many years ago, when Sanzo had freed him, and the tension between them had grown stronger and stronger, to the point Goku had nearly been able to reach out and touch it.

Instead, he had reached out to Sanzo. He still treasured the man's acceptance of his confession, and even as a spirit he could recall how the brief, chaste kiss they had shared felt. They had hardly touched after that, but they hadn't had to. Both had intended to come out alive.

Sanzo was going to _hate_ him when he realized what had happened to his charge. Goku didn't want Sanzo to hate him. He wanted... he wasn't entirely sure what he wanted, but it certainly wasn't Sanzo's contempt.

His Mother was whispering to him again. Goku clamped his hands over his ears and screwed his eyes shut, wishing he could scream to drown Her out. That was probably why he was mute; She didn't want to be ignored. She wanted him to return to Her.

_I won't!_ Goku thought furiously. It was the only way he could respond to Her wordless pleas. _I don't belong there! I belong here! My place is with _Sanzo When he opened his eyes again Her voice was silent. Sanzo was still unconscious.

Sanzo opened his eyes.

Goku sucked in a startled breath then heaved a sigh. He wasn't dead. Sanzo wasn't dead, and if Goku hadn't known any better he would have said the man was looking straight at him. It was as though he could see him.

"What the hell are you staring at, you stupid monkey?"

Startled, Goku pushed himself off the bed. Violet eyes followed him, seeming annoyed. Unable to believe he had just heard his master speak to him, Goku murmured without thinking, "You can see me?" Then he did a double take.

He had spoken. He had _breathed_.

Sanzo scoffed, closing his eyes briefly. "Gods... how typical. I have to wake up to this stupidity..."

He didn't think-- _couldn't_ think. Goku simply moved, practically lunging forward and clinging to the man, pressing his face into the blankets covering Sanzo's chest. He didn't even notice that he couldn't feel the blankets; Sanzo was warm, breathing, and his heart was beating. That was all that mattered.

And, of course, Sanzo was also taken aback by the sudden display of affection. When his master was unable to pry him off, Goku received a sharp smack upside the head. He yelped, drawing back and rubbing his head as Sanzo gave him a look between annoyance and confusion.

"What the hell was that for?" Sanzo muttered, reaching up tiredly as though to push his hair back; he winced when his fingers lightly brushed over the large bruise on his face. "Hell..."

Goku thought he could possibly cry right then. He didn't give in to the emotion, but it was tempting. He knew he was shaking, knew that relief was cracking down on his usually stable emotional pillars, and he was torn between trying to stifle his cries and just wanting to break down right there.  
  
Sanzo was alive. He could _touch_ him. Sanzo could see him, hear him, even speak to him. How this amazing phenomenon had come to pass, Goku neither knew nor cared. All that mattered was that everything would be all right again.

The moment the door opened everything spiraled downhill. Goku didn't even hear it, but he _did_ hear Hakkai speak.

"You're awake." There was a touch of relief in his voice, though any stranger wouldn't have been able to detect it. Hakkai was smiling faintly, and Goku wasn't surprised to see that it wasn't entirely genuine. He had grown used to Hakkai and his "false" smiles, though it had taken him a while to discern the fake from the genuine.

"No thanks to this stupid monkey," Sanzo said flatly.

Chuckling, Hakkai briefly glanced at Goku before moving forward. "You've only been unconscious for a few days. You're lucky Goku was there to protect you."

Startled, Goku moved forward to grasp Hakkai's sleeve. "You can..." His question trailed off as he looked down, staring. He was touching Hakkai, could see that his fingers were grasping the material. But there was no feel to it. Without looking, he wasn't able to tell if he was holding anything, if the fabric was just air between his fingers.

Sounding mildly puzzled, Hakkai said gently, "I can what, Goku?"

"You..." Slowly releasing him, Goku fumbled for anything he could think of. Anything but the truth-- because suddenly he didn't want the truth to be real. "You can... check him. Yeah. I'll just... I'll get something to eat." He hurried before either of the men could ask questions, fumbling for the door before he realized that he couldn't feel _that_, either.

Once he had the door open all he saw was blackness.

---

The loneliest periods of time were when Sanzo slept. Each time the man fell into a dreamless slumber Goku found himself on the outside, sitting on the edge of the bed, watching Sanzo's shallow breathing as he never got any better.

Then when Sanzo dreamt, Goku left the pull of the earth and succumbed to the man's desperate embrace. The dreams were rarely significant; everything was normal, as everyday life should be. It was what Sanzo knew—and it was probably what was comforting the man. Goku was the only presence always there.

It was pure selfishness that kept him there, and he knew it. Goku didn't care. In Sanzo's dreams there was peace; neither of them were dead, neither were hurt, and in Sanzo's mind so much time had passed, and with that time their bond grew stronger. They grew closer... and in this state Goku chose to reveal some things even he hadn't known about himself just before his death. He felt closer to Sanzo in death than he ever had in life.

If Sanzo's dreams were a representation of what he was really feeling, then Goku was certain he felt the same way. Even though he never voiced it, seeming to have an amazing control on his subconscious, Goku still felt it.

He blinked, and that was all it took for the priest to tug him back into his subconscious. Unresisting, Goku took a quick glance around. He was in the blonde's room, the one Sanzo's memories had conjured. According to Sanzo they were at the temple (when he had asked the man had smacked him, muttering something about moronic monkeys) and this was his master's room.

"What the hell are you doing here?"

Tilting his head, Goku watched as the man closed the sliding door behind him. The image of an outer hallway flickered momentarily before fading to black just before the door shut. Goku pretended not to notice, grinning impishly and saying the first thing that came to mind.

"What do you think?"

The man's eyes narrowed. "I think," he said dangerously, "that you're going to regret living if you don't get off my bed."

"Why should I get off?" Goku enjoyed playful banter like this. "There's plenty of room for both of us." To make his point clearer he hitched further back on the mattress, wiggling on the blankets just to taunt Sanzo. By now he was used to not being able to feel the blankets. Strangely enough, Sanzo never seemed to, either, but he never commented on it. That made Goku suspicious that the man was, on some level, fully aware that he was dreaming. Perhaps he was trying to hide it.

"Don't be stupid," Sanzo snapped, advancing on the boy. "Get off the bed."

Raising an eyebrow, Goku met Sanzo's challenging stare with one of his own. Feeling slightly bolder in the man's dreams than he ever had in real life, he spoke calmly. "Make me."

With a soft growl not entirely of annoyance, Sanzo took him up on the challenge and proceeded to do just that—starting by pushing the boy against the mattress and removing his shirt.

---

What hurt most was that he knew it was his fault Sanzo was still in a coma.

Goku wasn't sure exactly how it worked, but he knew enough. His presence in Sanzo's mind, invading the man's dreams -- no, he wasn't invading if Sanzo had invited him, which he had -- and ultimately his private thoughts and wishes, that was what kept Sanzo from waking up. He had tricked himself into believing in his make-believe world.

And Goku didn't want to tell him otherwise. However, six months of the game only made Sanzo's physical body grow weaker. He was going to die at this rate.

Goku wanted Sanzo. But he didn't want him to die.

It was the hardest decision he could ever remember making; even harder than choosing between his favorite dishes at a restaurant. However, Sanzo's life was at stake-- and his pride. Goku knew he wouldn't want to die in a coma, and especially not while eluding reality with dreams.

Experience with the man told him directness wouldn't work. So Goku decided to be as round-about as he could. He decided to wait for the perfect opportunity to bring their situation to light.

The opportunity came all too soon.

Goku let himself flow with things as he normally would, soothing his lover after a nightmare, getting him water, and easing Sanzo's conscience by reminiscing.

It was too hard to speak when the time came, so his voice came out strangled. "I like this, Sanzo," he said, nearly choking on the words. Had he been in a physical body, he might have even felt tears stinging his eyes. Then again, if he'd had a physical body, neither of them would be in this pathetic situation. Mustering up a smile, he continued, "I'm going to miss it."

Sanzo reacted with fear-induced defensiveness, which slowly gave into panic. While it was hard to try to explain things to the man, nothing was worse than his final question.

"Where are you going?"

Despite being in Sanzo's psyche, he could feel his mother's calling again. Goku shrugged, murmuring an answer, and then he kissed his savior. It was bittersweet contact, and it took more willpower than he wanted to admit to back off. From the look on Sanzo's face, he knew the man felt the same.

He didn't want to leave. Sanzo was going to be alone when he woke, and Goku hated that. Sure, he would have Hakkai and Gojyo, but they were only Sanzo's friends. He didn't like downplaying their roles like that, but that was really all they could be to him. Goku knew. He had explored Sanzo's emotions and thoughts through his dreams, understood him more intimately than he had ever dreamed he could.

Gods, he didn't want to leave the man like this. Sanzo could be reborn, but what of him? He was a child of Mother Earth. She was selfish. She might not let him return to the surface, ever; not after she had him within her womb again.

This time when Sanzo disappeared, he woke completely. Goku lost whatever weak hold he had left. Against his will, but with no other choice, he returned to the Earth.


End file.
